Programing Jokes

The Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs do not work:

20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

Be Safe:

This is the real development cycle of a piece of software...

Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5. See 3.

6. See 4.

7. See 5.

8. See 6.

9. See 7.

10. See 8.

11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

12. Users find 137 new bugs.

13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. ----[/b]

Not at my local Best Buy:

More Programming Jokes:

"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.

"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"

"Programming is a lot like sex. One mistake and you could have to support it the rest of your life."

"The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten 10% of its capacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system."

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, that's a hardware problem

Q: how many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

Q: How many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach?
A: Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you would have to do is call the light-bulb-change method. \

Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

Tutorial on how to write antivirus code using c++

int main()
{
MyVirusList mvl = findViruses("OnHardDrives");
int OK = killViruses(mvl);
if (!OK)
{
cout << "Could not kill viruses" << endl;
}
else
{
cout << "Viruses killed." << endl;
}
return 0;
}

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